I don’t like my child today
There. I said it. Nobody was going to give me mom of the year award anyway (have you seen my kitchen? No extra points for banana cement on the floor). I know I’m not the only mom who has thought this, but we aren’t supposed to say it out loud. I love my kids. I would do anything for them. I use positive language and avoid labeling. I refer to her as “spirited”, “high-needs” and “strong”. I talk about how she will grow up to be a leader and stick to her purpose. She will set goals and motivate the people around her. But today I DON’T WANT TO SEE HER ANYMORE. If I hear one more tantrum, scream or jealous whine, I might snap.
She has pushed every button I have and a few that I didn’t even know about. She is the child that makes a liar of all the high ideals I had before becoming a parent. She is the one that people will judge me for in the grocery store when I have to drag her out screaming. And today, bedtime couldn’t come soon enough.
I feel like a truly awful person when I get to the point in the day where I don’t want to be around her anymore. I try. I really do! I know she needs more love, more hugs and more assurance and affirmation than the average kid. She also saps my energy and sanity at a higher rate! She is the child that reminds me daily that I am not supermom. I am flawed and imperfect (and often, not even cheerful about it). I yell at her. I hate yelling and am against it as a general rule. But I do it. Because I am human and can only take so much.
But here’s the thing. I do love her. So very much. She is charming and creative and determined. She wants to be grown-up and help, she just also experiences her emotions much more intensely than everyone around her. This makes her both very sensitive and very prone to outbursts of temper. More than any of my other children, she desperately needs to feel connected to me. Usually the times she needs to be the closest to me are the times when I feel like a need the most space. But because of this, I have to work extra hard to anticipate this and make sure my batteries are fully charged and my own emotional needs are met in order to meet hers. That means making sure I get enough sleep and some time out of the house to do my own things, so that when I AM home I can be really present and engaged.
It also takes planning on my part in order to have smooth days with this one. I can’t wait until the last minute to decide what we will eat, because without food, she will have a meltdown. She also needs plenty of one on one time with my husband and I. Often my husband spends a lot of time with her in the evenings, so when he is traveling I have to make extra efforts to spend time just with her.
She needs her rest. Boy, does she need her rest! But it’s hard to come by, because she no longer falls asleep at nap time (she is 4) and it takes her a long time to wind down at night. Diffusing essential oils in her room (where I get my therapeutic grade essential oils) helps quite a bit, but having a regular schedule leading up to bedtime is also important. It helps her mentally and emotionally prepare for going to bed, which isn’t her favorite part of the day. So having a bath, then a story and a little foot rub, all help.
I’m not a perfect parent. She proves this to me every day. Multiple times throughout the day. I am just struggling to be adequate. I don’t need my kids to be all stars. I don’t need them to impress everyone around me (I’m sure they don’t). I don’t care if they are rich when they grow up. I just want to raise them in such a way that they are comfortable in their own skin. I want them to be happy with who they are and to care about the people around them. I want them to know how to have healthy relationships, which means I have to model that for them, since they learn how to love from ME. And I want them to know that I LOVE them. Even on the days when I don’t always like them.
Please, if you have suggestions, ideas or comments or just want to share your struggle, comment below! As always, thank you for reading.
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August 27, 2014 @ 7:07 pm
My daughter was similar to yours, I couldn’t talk to her in the same manner as her brother. It took a lot of manipulating and detailing to get her to obey or help with anything. The one thing you could not do was demand, at first. As she grew though she became the most gracious, interesting, thoughtfull young adult! So I guess what I’m saying is stick it out the end results and I really don’t think we will ever be done evolving, are wonderful!!! The adult that my husband and I created is what we need more of in our world today! Bless you!
August 28, 2014 @ 9:48 pm
Thank you, Susan! That is very encouraging to hear!
August 31, 2014 @ 12:21 am
THIS is my day today. And yesterday. Since it’s a three day weekend, I’m hoping Sunday and Monday are better because I might be institutionalized. Me daughter is 6 and I swear I can relate to EVERY word you wrote. I actually put lavender on her feet about an hour ago. We use it as the “sleep stuff” for bedtime but I’m disparate! It’s not helping. Le sigh.
August 31, 2014 @ 3:23 am
Hang in there mama! We can do this!
September 2, 2014 @ 2:34 am
She is a lot like me. Strong emotions. I guess just remember that she will turn out ok. Those strong difficult feelings will never go away. Heck as you know i still have a bad temper. But i feel happy and loved and confident in my skin. If mom and dad could do it with me you can do it with her. I’m sorry you have to deal with it though. The part where you mentioned how when you most want to be away from her is when she needs you the most felt really accurate, as far as my relationships have gone. I know she is four and I am 24 and we are not the same person but when I get in a fight with someone I just need to be told they love me and I need to resolve it as quickly as possible. Once I have calmed down I am much more open to compromise.
Maybe I am way off base with this but when you described her it felt like you were talking about me so ignore it if it doesn’t apply. Love you hang in there, it will slowly get better.
September 2, 2014 @ 3:22 am
I see a lot of you in her. Sometimes that gives me hope. 🙂
September 2, 2014 @ 4:18 am
Oh here is something I started doing before I knew how to write and I still do it. Making lists . when I was little I would draw pictures of the things I wanted on my list. But it always helped feel like I had purpose and goals. Maybe that would help if she has daily chores? Or really anything you can think of to list or put into an order in some way. I like the stability and lack of change. Always knowing what was next really helped.
September 2, 2014 @ 11:12 pm
That’s a good suggestion. Thanks.
September 3, 2014 @ 2:19 am
Wow, that sounds like my life. My daughter is 7 & she experiences her emotions to the extreme. In some ways she is very like me. I have learned that she and I both live our lives “in the moment”, so that whatever I’m experiencing right now, is the only emotion ever. Not remembering things from the past, or things to come. This very moment is all that there is. The advantage is that I/she won’t keep a grudge, but it also leads to a mentality of “what have you done for me lately, ie right now?” I think we may need to get together and start a support group to encourage each other. 🙂
September 3, 2014 @ 5:31 am
I think parents of spirited children need to be a support group for each other!!!!
September 4, 2014 @ 7:12 pm
I think your kids are pretty impressive. One day, she will find this page and post a reply. Probably something along the lines of “I didn’t like you either that day.” And then she will send you flowers. And you will call me on my space phone and say “How did you know!?!” And I’ll have some clever response ready by then.
September 4, 2014 @ 7:14 pm
bwahahahahaha!
November 8, 2014 @ 4:48 am
Pretty sure I was the guest blogger for this post…word for word, except insert “my son” instead. Maybe it’s the age? 3-4 year olds. We’ve been working on using “kind words” this week…and this was mostly for my own discipline, but it’s been easier when I’m reminding them to use kind words, that I work on using kind words too.
November 8, 2014 @ 6:10 am
haha. Aw!
February 14, 2015 @ 6:44 pm
Hi Kirsten, I just started reading your blog so forgive me if you’ve covered this before. Your child sounds like she may be gifted. Being gifted is not just about academic giftedness. It could explain a lot of her sensitivities and overexcitabilities. Here are a couple of resources that might be helpful. If you think she is, there are many support resources online for parents of gifted kids. A woman in our homeschooling community started a support group for parents of gifted kids that has been tremendously helpful for many of us. There might be a group in your area. Best of luck! Maureen
Strong Willed Child or Dreamer by Dana Spears and Ron Braund
http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423938778&sr=1-1&keywords=strong+willed+child+or+dreamer
Overexcitabilities and the gifted child
“Dabrowski talked about OE’s – over-excitabilities (“superstimulatabilities”), and how the gifted were extremely sensitive in a variety of areas. It’s a stimulus-response difference from the norms. It means that in these 5 areas a person reacts more strongly than normal for a longer period than normal to a stimulus that may be very small. It involves not just psychological factors but central nervous system sensitivity.” Stephanie Tolan, Dabrowski’s Over-excitabilities, A Layman’s Explanation
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/dabrowski.htm
February 24, 2015 @ 5:18 pm
Thank you so much for these! Just got the Strong willed child book to read!
February 24, 2015 @ 11:46 pm
Thank you so much for this comment! I have been talking to some people lately who have also suggested that some of our struggles may be signs of giftedness. I took a look at that book, and thought, “they know us!” I immediately ordered a copy and can’t wait to dig into it…hooray for Amazon Prime! 🙂 Thank you again for sharing this resource!
August 3, 2015 @ 5:15 pm
Hey Kirsten, just stumbled across your blog and I really love it. I’m 20, and not really sure why I clicked this particular article to read haha, but glad I did. As some other people have said, I’ve found that I can relate to your 4 year old. I just wanted to say that maybe she could benefit from some kind of sport or physical activity? I know she’s only four and to be honest, I don’t really have a clue when the average age is to start sports! I just know when I started them in kindergarten they helped me channel my intense emotions into a physical outlet. She sounds like a passionate little girl! Hope you find this idea helpful. Good luck!
August 10, 2015 @ 7:28 pm
Thank you, Caroline! Yes, she does seem to do the best when she is busy and active. She is also very social and thrives on social situations. Sports is a great idea!