There. I said it. Nobody was going to give me mom of the year award anyway (have you seen my kitchen? No extra points for banana cement on the floor). I know I’m not the only mom who has thought this, but we aren’t supposed to say it out loud. I love my kids. I would do anything for them. I use positive language and avoid labeling. I refer to her as “spirited”, “high-needs” and “strong”. I talk about how she will grow up to be a leader and stick to her purpose. She will set goals and motivate the people around her. But today I DON’T WANT TO SEE HER ANYMORE. If I hear one more tantrum, scream or jealous whine, I might snap.
She has pushed every button I have and a few that I didn’t even know about. She is the child that makes a liar of all the high ideals I had before becoming a parent. She is the one that people will judge me for in the grocery store when I have to drag her out screaming. And today, bedtime couldn’t come soon enough.
I feel like a truly awful person when I get to the point in the day where I don’t want to be around her anymore. I try. I really do! I know she needs more love, more hugs and more assurance and affirmation than the average kid. She also saps my energy and sanity at a higher rate! She is the child that reminds me daily that I am not supermom. I am flawed and imperfect (and often, not even cheerful about it). I yell at her. I hate yelling and am against it as a general rule. But I do it. Because I am human and can only take so much.
But here’s the thing. I do love her. So very much. She is charming and creative and determined. She wants to be grown-up and help, she just also experiences her emotions much more intensely than everyone around her. This makes her both very sensitive and very prone to outbursts of temper. More than any of my other children, she desperately needs to feel connected to me. Usually the times she needs to be the closest to me are the times when I feel like a need the most space. But because of this, I have to work extra hard to anticipate this and make sure my batteries are fully charged and my own emotional needs are met in order to meet hers. That means making sure I get enough sleep and some time out of the house to do my own things, so that when I AM home I can be really present and engaged.
It also takes planning on my part in order to have smooth days with this one. I can’t wait until the last minute to decide what we will eat, because without food, she will have a meltdown. She also needs plenty of one on one time with my husband and I. Often my husband spends a lot of time with her in the evenings, so when he is traveling I have to make extra efforts to spend time just with her.
She needs her rest. Boy, does she need her rest! But it’s hard to come by, because she no longer falls asleep at nap time (she is 4) and it takes her a long time to wind down at night. Diffusing essential oils in her room (where I get my therapeutic grade essential oils) helps quite a bit, but having a regular schedule leading up to bedtime is also important. It helps her mentally and emotionally prepare for going to bed, which isn’t her favorite part of the day. So having a bath, then a story and a little foot rub, all help.
I’m not a perfect parent. She proves this to me every day. Multiple times throughout the day. I am just struggling to be adequate. I don’t need my kids to be all stars. I don’t need them to impress everyone around me (I’m sure they don’t). I don’t care if they are rich when they grow up. I just want to raise them in such a way that they are comfortable in their own skin. I want them to be happy with who they are and to care about the people around them. I want them to know how to have healthy relationships, which means I have to model that for them, since they learn how to love from ME. And I want them to know that I LOVE them. Even on the days when I don’t always like them.
Please, if you have suggestions, ideas or comments or just want to share your struggle, comment below! As always, thank you for reading.
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DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor and the statements on this blog have not been evaluated by the FDA. Any products or techniques mentioned are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. I am just a mom who shares what works for me!